Log in

No account? Create an account
-Sometimes solutions aren't so simple. Sometimes goodbye is the only way.   
02:23am 01/10/2009
mood: tired
i dreamt i could pick the stars right out of the sky
i dreamt that i was invincible and strong
i dreamt that i could do anything that i could try
i dreamt that you held me in your arms until the sun showed up
i dreamt that you were still there when then sun set for you
i dreamt i could hold my own against the world
i dreamt that i wasn't this sad scared little girl
i dreamt that i could hold my head up high
i dreamt that my entire life has not been a lie
i dreamt that i could change who i was inside
and then i dreamt that i came out from the shadows- no longer do i have to hide.

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-I'm trying hard to breathe now, but there's no air in my lungs.   
02:21am 31/05/2009
mood: sad
my soul aches
i don't what's wrong anymore
the storm has long passed
the rain continues to pour
my heart is shattered
i don't remember where to turn
your eyes still hold me
you would think that i would learn
i still don't trust you
i don't think i ever will
so this wasted heart will love you
long past forever, my heart, be still.

(I'm a LoSeR.)

02:14am 18/10/2008
  i walk ever so slowly down the uneven stone path towards you. you, my love. your emerald eyes follow my every motion yet still stay locked on my own dazzling gems. i refuse to look away from your perfect and imperfect face but this garden also takes my breath away. spring's early flowers flood over the iron walls and pour down the pathways. this is our secret place. no one knows of this place, this excitement always adds more electricity to our atmosphere. the flowers and ferns have completely taken over this forgotten piece of paradise. you and i could hide here forever. nothing has touched this place in a hundred years.. we could disappear together for a hundred more. after an eternity, i hurriedly stumble over the last few gleaming stones and into your waiting arms. a flood of emotions fill me until i can take no more. i collapse into you, breathing all of you in.. your scent, your presence overpowers every other thought. in this second, i am whole again. the trivial troubles of life don't exist in this world. no pain, no anguish, no worries. only you and i exist here. if only it could stay this way. but i know too soon we must part once again. every minute without you, my heart aches as if someone has completely stolen it right out of my chest. so please my love.. won't you stay with me in paradise? my heart, my soul can no longer bear the pain of being without you. so please my love.. won't you stay with me in paradise? this forgotten piece of paradise with you is the only way i can live.  

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-whatever my lot.. it is well with my soul.   
01:02pm 17/10/2008
mood: peaceful
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-because i hate the way i feel tonight.   
12:43am 11/07/2008
mood: discontent
no slumber for me, my friend
the dreams are way too haunting
my sleep is disturbed from start to end
they destroy me with their taunting

wake me up!
i can't breathe
it's choking me down
it's stifling my scream
no breath no sleep
what comes next
my heart is yours to keep
maybe you'll save me from myself

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-It's never too late.   
03:47am 04/06/2008
mood: depressed
Maybe if I started using this thing again, I would feel a lot better.
Things build up too much in me.
It's really unhealthy.

(I'm a LoSeR.)

- The scars run deep inside this tattooed body.   
02:13am 29/11/2006
mood: sad
Wow. I haven't written in this thing in forever. But I thought maybe it could help me out. I've got so many thoughts bouncing around in my head and usually it helps me to write things down. I haven't done that in awhile. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm about to explode.
I quit school. I'm "taking a break." I did it in October. I thought it would make life easier. It's not helping.
I'm tired of liars.
I'm tired of no one loving me back.
I'm tired of being stepped on by "true friends."
I'm tired of Georgia.
I'm tired of stupid people.
I'm tired of drinking my problems away.
I'm tired of falling for the wrong boys.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of being stressed out.
I'm tired of being everyone's fool.
I'm tired of being the nice one.
I'm tired of living for everyone else.

Something's got to change..

and soon.

That is all. <3

(2 c0nfessi0ns | I'm a LoSeR.)

12:20am 22/04/2006
mood: sad
Tonite was so hard. Visitation at the funeral home was from 7 until 9. We stayed for the whole two hours. I fell apart as soon as I signed the guest book thing. It was an open casket. Why the hell would they do something like that.. On the other hand, it was the first time I had ever seen Scott with his eyes closed or when he wasn't fucked up on something. Most of my old classmates came back, it was good to see everyone. Even though we were all bawling. I hate to see boys cry. I can't handle it. I don't know why, but it's almost like the world isn't in order or something. It literally tears me to pieces. We all went out to eat and that made me feel like 2987987x better. I laughed, we had a great time. I think it helped everyone to take their mind off things for at least a little while. I haven't eaten much since Wednesday. Everytime I eat, I get sick. I guess since I'm just so upset. Most people eat more than usual when they're upset or nervous, my body has decided to reject food. I don't really care, it's not like I couldn't stand to go without a few meals. I just took some sleeping pills <3 I haven't been able to sleep, yet I'm so fucking tired. I just wish none of this had ever happened. He was only 19. He didn't have time to clean up his life and be successful. Ya know, I always thought one day he was going to completely clean up and get right and then turn out to be the most successful one out of our class. But no, he didn't get a chance to do all that. He didn't even get a chance. I'm leaving. Too many thoughts, too tired to write out all this philosophical bullshit.

Tomorrow, we have to say goodbye to Scott. For good.
i can't handle that.

We Love You Scott, I keep waiting for you to pop up and say "HEY GUYS JUST KIDDING!" any moment now.. I still expect to see you hanging halfway out of a car window on the road somewhere beeping and waving at me.. I still expect you to be here 50 years from now.
We Miss You Terribly. Please come back :(

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life..   
10:23am 20/04/2006
mood: sad
Ya know. Life is full of surprises, and sometimes they can really suck ass.

When you're young, you go through life believing that both you and your friends are all invincible- Nothing can touch you, because you're young.

Then one day, Life creeps up and thumps you on the forehead to wake your ass up.

I suppose "Everything happens for a reason" and though I can't see it right now, eventually we all will.

Never take any of your friends for granted. Ever.

You never know what tomorrow could bring for you or them. That's just it, you just never know.

No one is invincible, no matter how full of life and how young you may be. Be prepared for whatever life can throw at you, because Life can be a cold hearted whore.

Rest in Peace Scott.

We Love You and We Miss You Already Scotty-Too-Hotty..


(I'm a LoSeR.)

03:14am 26/01/2006
mood: sad
Here you stand seething with guilt. Silence only justifies this act of cowardice. The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,the one thing that I cannot give. (Did you ever see that one personand the way they do these thingsand it hurts you so much it's like choking choking chokingdown the embers) I can give you freedom from your guilt,with a flick of my wrist onto yours. I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile. I can give you death with the look upon my face. This is your freedom in a life of fallacy, with no last kiss and no regrets; you don't deserve good bye. This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,with no last kiss and no good bye. Here you stand seething with guilt. Silence only justifies this act of cowardice. With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss. No story book ending for this fairy tale of you. Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand. Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end. Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end. (Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much? So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze. It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersionsand to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds. You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment. And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is A reminder of what I'll never haveI'll never have... I'll never...Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in. Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in. But this table for one has become bearable. I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you. Did you ever look, did you ever see that one personand the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much? So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze. It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersionsand to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds. And you let this one person come down, come down.I cherish you...I cherish you. Just say you would do the same for me. Just say you would do the same for me. Say you would do the same...Just say you would do the same for me. For as much as I love Autumn,I'm giving myself to Ashes.)

(I'm a LoSeR.)

04:40am 20/01/2006
  I’m the girl that just won’t go away.
I’m the girl who begs to stay.
I’m the girl who’s everyone’s fool.
I’m the girl who ignores most rules.
I’m the girl whose heart is shattered on the floor.
I’m the girl that will always go back for more.
I’m the girl that loves to pretend.
I’m the girl whose lies never end.
I’m the girl that’s broken inside.
I’m the girl that always tries to hide.
I’m the girl who won’t open up, it’s true.
I’m the girl in love but can’t even tell you.

(I'm a LoSeR.)

Four is for Whores.   
10:27pm 22/12/2005
mood: can't wait for kissmas!
10 random things about me:
10. i absolutely love my friends and being with them
09. i can't live without my cell phone
08. i'm soooo obsessive compulsive but i procrastinate way too much
07. i wear flip flops everyday even if its freezing
06. i'm horrible with names.
05. sparkly things distract me greatly. as well as bright pink things.
04. i love my car and nothing makes me more happy than road trips with friends
03. i'm very clumsy
02. i have dependency issues; i can't stand going anywhere alone
01. new situations cause me to panic easily

9 places ive visited:
08. minneapolis
07. amsterdam *airport haha
06. washington dc
05. tennessee
04. florida
03. st louis
02. north carolina
01. south carolina

8 things i want to do before i die:
08. spend a winter up north so i can play in the snow for 5 months and maybe get my fill of it
07. go back to italy and stay in florence
06. go to ireland
05. get married; have kids; live in a big house. BE HAPPY.
04. go scuba diving in hawaii
03. go skiing and snowboarding
02. take a road trip w/friends to California
01. find the end of a rainbow

7 ways to win my heart:
07. don't ever lie to me, and be the same around me as you are when you're around your friends.
06. Play/dance/kiss/walk in the rain with me.
05. be sweet, thoughtful, and gentle-man like Always.
04. be romantic. even if it makes you look retarded, do it to make me smile.
03. don't make me drop my friends. love them- they make me who i am.
02. cuddle up with me for hours.
01. when i'm sad, sit with me. even if i don't say anything. just hold me as i cry.

6 things i believe in:
06. music can heal anything.
05. God loves me and isn't intentionally makin my life a living hell.
04. love won't happen if you go looking for it
03. santa claus :D
02. my friends and family.
01. you have to grow up sometime.

5 things im afraid of:
05. growing up.
04. spiders
03. drowning. it terrifies me.
02. nothingness
01. dying alone.

4 of my favorite items in my bedroom:
04. cd player.
03. laptop.
02. my walls *covered in pictures and posters
01. my bed!

3 things i do everyday:
03. sing/play/listen to music
02. sleeeeeeeep.
03. check myspace of courseeee.

2 things i am trying not to do right now:
02. think about someone.
01. freeze to death.

1 person i want to see right now:
1. santa. with all of my presents.

(4 c0nfessi0ns | I'm a LoSeR.)

Nice boys don't always finish last..   
08:30pm 21/11/2005
mood: blah
nice guys always dont finish last....
Current mood: determined

this nice guy always seems to finish last

-To every guy that says I love you.
-To every guy that opens doors.
-To every guy that walks on the outside of a sidewalk so he can be the first to get hit by a car that careens off the road and push her out of the way.
-To every guy that cooks dinner for her.
-To every guy that said, "Sex can wait."
-To every guy that said, "You're beautiful."
-To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
-To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick (And even a stuffed animal perhaps).
-To every guy who has given her flowers just because she is feeling a bit depressed.
-To every guy that said he would die for her.
-To every guy that really would.
-To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
-To everyguy that treated her like a princess.
-To every guy that cried in front of her.
-To every guy that she cried in fornt of.
-To every guy that holds hands with her.
-To everyguy that kisses her with meaning.
-To every guy that hugs her when shes sad.
-To every guy who would give their jacket up.
-To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
- to every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be able to see her for ten minutes.
-To every guy that would give his seat up.
-To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
-To every guy that will just sleep (no sex) with her.
-To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what (even if she got fat).
-To every guy who told his secrets to her.
-To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breathe.
-To everyguy that thought maybe this could be the one.
-To every guy that believed in her dreams.
-To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
-To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
-To every guy that wasnt just trying to get laid.
-To every guy that actually listened.

---*To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in his face.

This one is for you.

-----If you are a nice guy repost this: Title; "I am this guy"-------

-----If you are chick that thinks she wants a nice guy (but in fact sub consiously weeds the nice guys out for bad ones) repost this, and title it, "I'm a dirty skank who doesnt deserve the company of a proper gentleman"--------

-----If you are a girl that wants a guy (and actually does want) a guy that would do these things repost with the title, "Nice Boys don't always finish last"-------

(I'm a LoSeR.)

12:22am 08/11/2005
  i wuold jstu like to say:

it's mondya nite. and we're all compeltey SNOCKREED. it's gona bee a great week..

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-when you say you need me like i need you. and you can't be without me like i can't be without you..   
10:52pm 06/11/2005
mood: hopeful
so. are things looking up for ashley in the boy department? maybe so! ::grins:: one can only hope. been single for a while. it was fun for awhile. now i'm tired of it. i want a boyfriend. i miss having one around.. and i've got a boy that has definite potential.. so we'll see :D

(I'm a LoSeR.)

12:46am 01/11/2005
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||| 16%
Stability |||||| 30%
Orderliness |||||||||| 33%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Interdependence |||||||||||| 50%
Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56%
Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Religious |||||||||||| 50%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Narcissism |||| 16%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50%
Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Self absorbed || 10%
Conflict seeking |||||| 23%
Need to dominate |||| 16%
Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70%
Anti-authority |||||| 30%
Wealth |||| 16%
Dependency |||||||||||| 50%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 50%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical Fitness |||| 17%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 43%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||| 23%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-when is it ever gonna be enough to make it stop?   
06:30pm 31/10/2005
mood: angry
highly debated topic. but one that is dear to my heart. the war in iraq. two words: fuck bush. i'm sure he used to be a nice man but god damn. admit you're wrong and bring our boys home. there are KIDS dying everyday over there. my friend max age 18. my friend chris age 20. my friend george (who is smack dab in the middle of baghdad) age 22. i pray and worry for them everyday. especially george b/c i haven't heard from him the past few days. every time i see something on tv about more soldiers dying, my heart drops. call me ignorant, young, or stupid but even to this day. i can't find any logical reason for this war in iraq. i mean whatever happened to al-queda or whatever the hell it is. we have a HUGE reason to go after them; they actually fuckin bombed us. why aren't we there searchin for bin laden instead of putting most of our troops in iraq? i may have missed something but i never did connect the dots to see how iraq and the terroristic acts against us were somehow connected. i think bush is a fucking moron. and if i ever met him i'd tell him so. not that he would listen or anything. i mean, you see that you've made a HUGE mistake. you never listened to any protests or anything rational people had to say. you lied to your people and sent fucking KIDS to die for a fraudulent cause. now it's absolutely grand that we captured hussein and he's no longer tormenting his people but why the fuck can't we take care of our own problems back home first before trying to take over the world? everytime i think about it, i tear up. for no reason but bush's own, people my age and not much older are over in iraq, dying and fighting for nothing. it makes me so angry and sad that i shake. just think of all the families that have been ruined. 2000+ and still counting everyday. it hits home especially when you know people over there. i worry every single day. oh and the media? they make me angry as well. the last big thing was when the death toll has hit 2000. but i don't see why 2000 is any more important than 1876. they are all people. and any number at all is too high. just take moment everytime you see an updated deathtoll. numbers make it seem meaningless. there's no feeling in a number. but take the time to break it down into pieces. death #1830: 19 years old. only son of a widowed woman. married 2 years. 1 year old little girl, with another on the way. of course i just made that up, but you get the idea. every number has a real person behind it. most people just see the numbers and think "aww how sad. we're doing badly." but just take the time to break the number down. i saw something on the news about 7 more soldiers bein killed since the 2000 mark. but it was really quick. then they spent the next 20 minutes talking about a dog that rode a skateboard or some random shit like that. they don't care either there's a fucking war going on. and many of this country doesn't even realize its stupidity and purposelessness. they don't realize how many lives and families have been ruined and continue to be ruined everyday. they just don't realize.

oh and i'm not saying that i don't support the troops. god yes i do. i don't support bush. never have. never ever will. i don't support the war. but i lend my support to the troops so they can do their job and do what they have been told to do. i appreciate all that they have ever done for me. and i SUPPORT our troops. so bring them home georgie boy.

one more thing. if you have time or if you even finished reading this entry, read these things written by soldiers themselves.
soldiers talkCollapse )

and that my friends is my rant of the day. peace out.

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-got this off of a pre-made myspace layout-   
08:34pm 30/10/2005
  I want it to inconvenient; I want to sacrifice my life for it. I want the kind of love that wakes me up at 3am. I want love that hurts, love that I have to work for. I want love that tests me. I want the kind of love that is hard to find, and hard to keep and never easy. I want the kind of love where you get hurt. I want the love that makes me cry. I want to hold on even if it takes me through my worst nightmare. But most of all I want the kind of love that's worth it. I want love.


random quotes (aka story of my life):

I live for the nights I won't remember with the friends I will never forget.

A good friend will be there to take your drink away when they think you've had too much. Best friends will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, drink the rest of that!"

(I'm a LoSeR.)

-desperately close to a coffin of hope i'd cheat destiny just to be near you..   
03:52pm 30/10/2005
mood: exhausted
so. interesting weekend.
friday- went out to sarah's. got completely snockered. rode golfcarts, played truth or dare and hide and seek. twas really fun. we all had fun. jessica left to go home at about 5:30 am. i took my last shot at 7 am. we had to take christina to her car at like 7:20 b/c she had to go to work. she went to work drunk and high. i find that really really really funny. thats what she gets. drugs are bad fer yew. that's why i only drink and smoke like a mad french whore. :D anyhoo.
saturday- was supposed to be home at like 1. went to sleep at 8am and woke up at 3. mommy lisa was thoroughly pissed. oh well. decided to stay home and not go out this evening. but beth called from tarrytown. they were watchin a movie at the "flea market" and this boy named logan wanted to meet me. sooooo yeah i went. i liked him. a lot. enough to forget about ****. my makeout buddy who i secretly love lol. we watched like 7 minutes of the movie and then went to huddle house. this is the only recent time i can remember goin to huddle house sober and before 2 am. random.
sunday- tired as fuck. drove back to statesboro. glad to be at my apartment. tired as fuck.

that is all. later gators <3

(1 c0nfessi0n | I'm a LoSeR.)

-so you stole my world.   
02:45am 27/10/2005
mood: exhausted
i would just like to say that i smoke like a mad french Whore now. and please spare me with the "SMOKING IS BAD. YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF!" this i know. believe me i know. but it's the only thing that keeps me fucking sane. i'm so stressed out right now. school. boy. life. all = MAJOR STRESS. oh yeah i finally updated my myspace account after having it forever and never doing anything with it. if you got it add me. i have like a whopping 10 friends right now lol. http://www.myspace.com/beautiful_imperfecti0ns yeah that's me. look me up.

i miss him so. he doesn't know it. but i miss him so. i guess makeout buddies are better than nothing..

(4 c0nfessi0ns | I'm a LoSeR.)